This is the first time in 14 days that I have sat in this big black chair at the computer desk. It feels foreign to be here. I hate admitting why I’ve been absent, but here goes. I have the flu.
Why is this so hard for me to admit? Getting sick is a normal part of living and being human…right? I always think of it as failing. Failing to be well, failing to live perfectly and failing to achieve everything I want to achieve on a daily basis. I do not have time to be sick! Seriously! I hate not being able to work and usually can force myself through. One of my many hidden talents is being able to fake being well. I’ve had years of practice – nineteen years to be exact. When you run your own business, you have pressure to be consistent in your daily work routine. I have a strong work ethic and that puts demands on my health. I have worked through headaches, backaches, muscle spasms, diarrhea, constipation, swelling, sore throat, sinus problems, dizziness, PMS and even pneumonia. I am an actress. No one would ever know that I am dealing with a heath issue during work. I am very aware that, in the service industry, I am 100% focused on my client and not me. I have trained myself to put me second and everyone else first. This is a skewed view of life that I have adapted because I have had to focus on making a living. When you earn money directly from the public instead of through a large company, you learn to be someone they can rely on. Being sick is not reliable.
THE FLU TOOK ME DOWN
The first day I was in denial and was really focused on getting through an upcoming performance that was scheduled. For those who don’t know, I am a flamenco dancer. I perform with a local group and I am proud to be able to dance and perform. We had a huge show, about 1300 in the audience, and I didn’t want to miss it. The day before, I was feeling a little run down but just talked myself out of it. I know, what a cool skill huh? Can I just will myself to ignore my symptoms? Yep. I sure can. The performance went well and I’m sure I survived off adrenaline and excitement. Then next day, I woke up with a slight sore throat, runny nose and a full 8 hour day at work. I pushed through and by Sunday I had a fever and full blown flu. Great.
GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION
That next day, I did something crazy and out of my norm. I cancelled work. I remember it so clear, I was full of medicine, still in pajamas and sitting on my couch armed with my cell phone and appointment book. I was shaking. Maybe it was the fever or the flu meds, but I felt so defeated as I texted my clients. My heart was so low and worried how it would all work out. I had major anxiety about taking off and struggle to think of how it also effects my clients who schedules will be also overturned. I could only focus on one day at a time. I had abnormally high hopes that I would be better by the next day, but as each day came, I was forced to cancel the next day of work. This went on for five mornings in a row. I did get easier as I admitted how sick I actually was. I don’t remember a time where I could not get up. It has been years. I had to give myself permission to be sick. I had to give myself permission to miss work. I had to give myself permission to sit on the couch for 17 hours watching reruns of Friends and sip hot tea.
BACK AGAIN
I am starting back to work tomorrow. I am 90% better, but can’t afford to cancel any more work. I am grateful that I gave my body time to rest and heal. I hope it will be years before I have to face this again. Being sick gave me time to reflect on my most important work tool… ME. I am just as valuable as the value I place on my clients. If I am not at my best then I can’t give my best.
IN THE END
In the end, no amount of healthy eating, meditation and sheer positive thinking will prevent getting occasionally sick. It is all a part of life and I am learning to accept it as such.
Glad you are feeling better.